tired

Well, I have my work cut out for me and what can I say? I'm overwhelmed. I'm a little reluctant to write the following because it might sound like my mood is worse than it really is, if that makes any sense, and I don't want anyone to think that.

The last few days have been crushingly tiring. And I haven't even been doing much. At all. Like yesterday. Yesterday was going to be this glorious writing day with no obligations. I spent the day doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing (aimlessly wandering online) and not doing what I should be doing and feeling awful that I wasn't doing what I should be doing.

And then there are all these things that I know I need to take care of. I know I need to stand in line at the bank for 50 hours so that I can transfer some money to my US account so I can finally go ahead and buy my ticket for this summer. Don't want to go. I know I need to jump through some hoops to get my boxes tomorrow (E, I hope it's still okay if we can stop by there before we go write??? I will definitely treat you for lunch! :-)), I know I need to somehow deal with getting my driver's license here (*big dread and confusion*), but I feel like I'm swimming in muddy water. Like all my sense of intuition is skewered and nothing is familiar and I'm too tired to deal with it.

I suppose it's just a phase of moving somewhere brand new. Don't get me wrong, I've really had no issues with homesickness aside from missing the odd thing here or there or missing people (although I lived far away from most of my people anyway while I was in the US). And believe me, when I have dreams that I'm leaving here, I actually consider those anxiety dreams. I don't want to leave. I like my lifestyle here. But I think that the exhaustion comes from being in a new environment, how it takes more energy to go through the day to day regular routine. Like I have to strain more to understand, to walk down the street, to deal with the mundane, to deal with bureaucracy. And then it all builds up to a climax of exhaustion and I-don't-want-to-deal attitude.

But again, this all makes it sound a lot worse than it really is. I have a goal and a purpose. My writing schedule could be spectacular (oh, if only these mundane obligations and irritations would just go awaaaaay). Dr. Nunez in our writing workshop talked about going to a writer's retreat where you do nothing but write, eat, and sleep for a period of weeks. Someone does your cooking, laundry, leaves you in absolute peace. That just sounds heavenly. Imagine just not having to deal with anything but getting the job done. It's going to be one of my goals to make it to one of those retreats one day...

I'll try to be more "uplifting" later!